Procrastination

I have to say that January the 1st wasn't the hotbed of typing I had imagined it might be. Instead I felt an unfortunate mix of glum, inadequate and generally directionless - as one might when facing a night shift and wondering which path to take in life.

I realise that sounds slightly contradictory: how can one be directionless and have paths open to be walked?

The answer is...because life is full of those irksome things called questions and uncertainties. I'm not a big fan of those. Some are alright, but others not so.

So, one falls to procrastination. I remember my mum once telling me "If you're not sure what to do, don't do anything". I agree to a certain extent. When every option seems as good or as bad as the others, choosing is always going to be a process riddled with doubt and hesitancy and one will always wonder "what if I had opted for A, rather then B?" These are the things that keep people up at night, unless you're like me and look after premature babies at night instead.

I also disagree, though. The thing is...by not taking a step forwards, all you end up doing is holding place at whatever crossroads it is you've come upon, and life doesn't move forwards. And you can't sit a test and just abstain from answer because that equals a big ol' fail.

Yesterday was a day of that. "What should I do? Should I do this? Am I good enough?"

Actually, that "good enough" issue is a bit of a chronic debilitation: it plagues me. Over the past couple of days I've wondered whether I'm good enough with my writing to make any sort of impression as an author. Will people understand my message? Will they like the story? Or is it all just one big pipedream that I should've let disperse in a wispy cloud of smoke? It's familiar to us all.

In the end, though, I started writing. Procrastination didn't quite win. I got a whole 384 words knocked out - yes, a pitiful amount, but it's a start. I have the plot synopsis I wrote over the past month-and-a-half, which is like a series of smaller goals comprising a larger, singular one. And I think that's important: having goals. Important for me, I mean - maybe some people are more the types to just sit down and see where their keyboard leads them, but I have to at least draft the blueprint before I start fleshing out a mock-up. It works. It doesn't mean I follow the synopsis to the letter, of course; actually I do tend to find I can hang a lot of just-thought-up creativity on a set guide like a plotline, but if I don't at least have my path laid out before me it all seems to get to a certain point and then fizzle. So much drive and nowhere destination to head towards is a bit of a nasty situation. So I have the story, and I have the start, and that's pretty motivating.

I've spent too much time on this blog post.